A Family of Overachievers?

The Heck sisters around 20 years ago.

I come from a farm family of five girls who obviously grew up to be women.  I remember as a young girl, when a relative realized that two of my older sisters were valedictorians of their classes, she remarked to a friend, “Oh, they’re just a family of overachievers!”  The way she said it, I thought overachievers must be a bad thing and that there was a stigma attached to being an overachiever.

So, with that memory in mind, I decided for this blog post to explore a bit just what an overachiever is, and to evaluate if my family is in fact one of overachievers.  I decided to look up what other people and resources have said on the subject and to react to their statements as they relate to my family.

“Overachiever:  A student who attained higher standards than the IQ indicated.”  –Definitions.net

I am not sure how to respond to this definition, other than to say it probably does not apply to my family.  Although two of my sisters were valedictorians, I believe they achieved that distinction because of their innate intelligence coupled with their own hard work; to this day they are extremely intelligent and could not have achieved their valedictorian status if their IQs were much lower.  I remember following several years behind my older “smart” sisters in school, and when their old teachers found out I was a Heck (my maiden name), they automatically assumed I was of the same intelligence level as my sisters.  Needless to say, I seldom knew how to answer the difficult questions that were thrown my way in high school, and I am sure I disappointed many of the teachers’ expectations.  For a long time, I thought that because I was not of the same intelligence level as my older sisters (I was mainly a “B” student then), I was not smart.  It was not until my early college days that this myth was dispelled, when I had to take an IQ test for a psychology class and scored above average.  “Wow, I’m not dumb after all!” I thought to myself, and this information gave me the confidence to try harder in college until I was able to learn better and achieve A-grades of my own.

“I became an overachiever to get approval from the world.”  --Madonna

I can relate to this quote from Madonna, only I think the reason many of my sisters became overachievers was not necessarily to get approval from the world, but rather to get the approval of my Dad.  My father set very high standards for all of us sisters.  He expected us to do our best and criticized us if we were any less than best.  My older sisters were given a dollar for every “A” they got on their high school report card, but Dad discontinued this reward system for me and my younger sister because he had to pay out too much money to my two older sisters and didn’t feel like he could afford to reward us in the same way (although neither of us would have cost him as much money for good grades as my older sisters did).  My father always told us to go to college and get an education, and to never rely on a man to take care of us.  Well, I guess that lesson must have made an impression, as we all grew up to be educated, independent women who were not only capable of supporting ourselves, but often had to -- because of being divorced.

“Overachievers don’t think reasonably, sensibly, or rationally.”  -- John Eliot, PhD

I am not sure what the basis was for this comment from Dr. Eliot, but I assume it came from observing family members or acquaintances.  Overall, especially in our professional lives and in our mature adult years, my sisters and I have made decisions that were reasonable, sensible and rational.  However, our personal lives (with the exception of my younger sister) were often a different story.  Four out of five of us could have been the subject of the book, Smart Women, Foolish Choices at some point in our lives.  Possibly as a result of our strained relationship with our perfectionist father whom we were always trying to please, several of us made poor decisions when it came to men.   We often chose men who were unavailable to us in one way or another, men who were overly critical and unappreciative of who we were and what we had to offer, and sometimes men who took advantage of us financially.  The divorce rate in our family is four out of five sisters, with a few of the sisters having been in multiple relationships and marriages over the years.  Another area in which we have struggled is financially (with the one exception named above).   Four out of five of us have had at least one low point financially in our adult lives where were so poor, we were at poverty level.  Although a couple of us experienced poverty as a result of circumstances beyond our control, unfortunately a couple of us became poor because we did not manage money reasonably, sensibly, or rationally.  I am hoping as we settle into our 50s and 60s all of the Heck sisters will figure it all out and become better money managers, or some of us are going to really struggle financially in our retirement years.

“I don’t dwell on whether I am an overachiever.  After my career is over I will sit down and evaluate what I have done.  Until then, all I can do is go out every day and do the best I can.” – Dat Nguyen

I saved this quote for last because I think it represents the stage in life where most of the Heck sisters are currently.  My older sisters are winding down their careers – one as an attorney and college professor; and two as systems analysts, one for a major corporation and one for a major university, respectively.  All of us – including my younger sister, who is a registered nurse and hospital administrator, and even me, who has worked in business marketing and communications most of my life and made the least amount of money – have worked very hard in our careers.  I can honestly say that we have all been overachievers when it comes to our professions, working longer and harder than most of our colleagues, and often achieving more; but we tend not to dwell on it much, as that is how we were raised.  Although the careers of my older sisters are winding down (with one retired and two preparing for retirement), my younger sister and I are still working full time with no retirement in sight.  Until then . . . in fact, until the day I write the last chapter in my book of life, I plan to continue to live by the philosophy that, “all I can do is go out every day and do the best I can;” I can’t see doing it any other way.  And whether that makes me an overachiever is for someone else to decide long after I’m gone.